hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I just blew my weed a kiss
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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