One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
