went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
