At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
