Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Your mouth is God's brothel.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
