I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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