Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??