I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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