I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
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we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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