my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Randomize
