How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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