I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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