i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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