If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
This house was built for laser tag.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
