I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
