Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
