Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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