Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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