There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
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