just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
