Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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