you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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