I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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