If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
