Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
