I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
