you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
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This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
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