Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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