fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You ate ashes out of my bong
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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