I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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