it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
