we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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