Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
