My friends, they love my intelligence
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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