i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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