masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
