there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
