u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
