dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
