Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
