He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
