I'm lost and stupid without you.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
