My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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