I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
