I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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