Redeem this text for a blowjob
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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