a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
