Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I have feelings that need drinking.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
