Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober