That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
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You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
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I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking