You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
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i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
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This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.