I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Why is your signature on my underwear?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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