I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
