new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
