Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
