oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
