I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
