New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
