Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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