does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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