you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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