Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"