Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.