Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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