i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Randomize
