I will die if light touches me.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
