we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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